SBM

The summer days are gone too soon, you shoot the moon and miss completely. And now you're left to face the gloom, the empty room that once smelled sweetly. Of all the flowers you plucked, if only you knew the reason why you had to each be lonely. Was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again. You can't begin to give in, it's all over. When the snows come rolling through, you're rolling too with some new lover. Will you think of times you've told me that you knew the reason why we had to each be lonely? It was just the season.

I guess there's nothing left to say but thank you, for everything.

Goodbye

This will be my second to last post before this blog retires.

I just wanna say thanks to my readers. I don't write for you, but I'm happy that you care or are curious enough to keep reading and coming back. To my top readers from Los Angeles, Irvine, El Granada, Goleta, Belmont/San Mateo, Glendale, and West Hollywood. Thanks, whoever you are. It means the world.

Yours with love,
Liz

Numb

I'm spending my last night in Irvine with two of my closest friends. The past three days have been amazing at best, anti-climactic at worst. Plenty of laughs, silence, reliving good memories, and preventing bad ones from forming. I can't say that my last night was exactly what I thought it would be, but I can't ask for anything more.

The past three months have truly been the definition of a blur. After my first trip back from Irvine, everything beforehand seemed just so unreal, in the most peculiar way. I had no idea what to expect each passing day, and my ability to deal with flexibility and being unsure I think has helped me prepare for my trip. I've learned to accept that some people will appear in your life, and a lot will disappear. And I'm trying my best to be okay with that, but who knows.

I'm not sure who or what I'll be when I return in January. But as of right now, I know I'm a smart, fun-loving girl who doesn't mind speaking without a filter sometimes and isn't afraid to embrace her geeky and nerdy side. And I want to attract the type of people who accept me for who I am, so I'll continue living that way unless someone has a good reason for me to change. Eventually, I want to date a smart, sensitive, driven, and articulate type of man who treats me like a princess in his own special way. But that's neither here nor there. My policy towards dating has never been goal-orientated (insert sniper scope *target acquired*), so the amount of effort I'll exert in that area of my life will be quite minimal at best. Whatever happens happens, and that's very exciting, indeed.

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm leaving in two days, and I have a feeling it won't until I'm on the airplane, sobbing in my seat. I've never been homesick before. I love NOT being home, so we'll see how I react this time. I'll reconvene with everyone I've left behind in a few months, so maybe I'm just overreacting with how much I'll miss all of my friends.

Like I've said, I think this blog has served its purpose, and will be retired before I leave on Monday. I probably won't be on Facebook much either. I'll keep a travel blog and maybe a video blog, probably my Twitter, too. The only thing stopping me from completely cutting off everyone in the world would be that I need to make friends in England, and unfortunately Facebook is conducive to that.

I feel like I should have cried more today. I think I deserved that, at least from you. Something more. But I guess the less emotional the parting, the easier the distance will be. I suppose I got what I wanted - a cardboard box and a pretty ribbon to wrap it up. Memories and feelings packaged and preserved for the rest of eternity. Nothing can taint it now.

Finale

A lot of "lasts" today.

I'm retiring this blog before I leave for England.

Cadence and Rhythm

Friends

For the first time, I feel like I have a core, reliable, fantastic set of them. One even referred to me as their best friend.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've had a best friend. At least one that considered me one in return.

I have people to see, and people to miss. And people want to see me, and want to miss me, too.

Dolphin

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean when it comes to you. I know where I am, I know the situation, but I have no idea what to do next and, frankly, I'm only barely treading water. The safety of land could be anywhere. I can try swimming towards it, but is it worth the effort? The sweet comfort of solid ground could be in any direction.

And there were times that I wanted to give up. Just to stop kicking my feet, to stop grabbing onto something that I can't hold onto. To let myself fall into the dark unknown because part of me feels like I keep a shred of dignity knowing I was choosing a peaceful end out of my own volition, rather than let my unfortunate circumstance consume me. The respite seems tempting, for consciousness will fade in a matter of minutes.

Then you come along: a sleek, cheerful creature with seemingly no care in the world, passing through the area because I caught your eye, a curiosity in the world you normally inhabit by yourself. Once in a while you make an appearance, and I reach out to you hoping you would lead me in the right direction, or maybe even just help me stay afloat in this vastness for a little while.

The moments where defeat seems like the best way to escape are the times that I hardly notice you. I know you're around, the thought is well placed in the back of my mind, but panic buries logic and reason. I can't track your thoughts and feelings all the time, and you're free to come and go as you please. But part of me knows you're here, and that you're around for a reason.

But during those times I feel like giving up, you nudge my feet and push me above the water's surface, a reminder that I'm not alone in this ocean. You're just as lost as I am, a vagabond without a map or an agenda.

And we float.