Need: Musical switch, $25 OBO

4:07am

I wish I could quit learning about all things music. All of it. Right this very second. I don't want to learn any more. I don't want to know any more. And if I had another wish, I wish I could go back to... the end of my senior year, where I discovered vocal jazz music and became an equal-opportunity-listener of all things classical. Where the only choral, or even just serious music I've dealt with was Tri-School Chorus. My brain would be void of everything...

I think its related to an issue we discussed at Voice Lab one day. Singing is easy. But its making music that's hard because it involves so many thought processes. The best singers have a thinking problem.

I don't really know what's happening to me. I'm starting not to enjoy music the way I used to. I'm not even sure if I really enjoy it now. Unlike 80% of my friends, I didn't grow up playing an instrument. I wasn't shoved into piano lessons or flute lessons at 6 years old. I really knew nothing about music until about 5 years ago, and never really became self-aware until less than that. It's a strange term -- "self-aware". It's what you and Asimov fear Robots will do before they take over the world. But it's an appropriate term, because there is a huge difference between "knowing" something and "realizing" something.

But anyway.

When I actually did start exploring the worlds of classical and jazz on my own, it was like being in Europe without a map or a guide. Through pop culture, I knew all the big, famous composers and artists. Even recognized some of their major works. But Europe is so much more than its famous landmarks, just as music is so much more than its celebrities. It was discovering the famous cities and civilizations as well as the little towns and villages and alleyway eateries where all the locals go to. I would learn things here and there through friends and mentors, but it only chipped away at the wonder and awe I felt as I wandered around.

Ignorance really is bliss. Because as the saying goes with all art, "I don't know what this is, but I know what I like." I enjoyed every concert or recording or radio broadcast I heard. With a bad ear and no real technical knowledge of music, I just loved whatever was played for me and never really thought too much about it. Of course, people have their own tastes (I never really liked that experimental jazz crap they play on KCSM after midnight), but I wasn't ever really too picky about anything.

Because I was absolutely ignorant about anything musical, it didn't take much to please me. In fact, it was something I was proud of. I used to sit next to Brendan when he had to do performance evaluations on the concerts we'd go to. And I thought to myself, "Man, I don't know what the hell he's talking about. But good thing I don't know, because I wouldn't be able to enjoy this performance."

But the exact thing has happened to me. With all this wonderful knowledge comes the hardened task of having to bear it with you through every concert, recital, performance, etc. Maybe it's a burden I have to bear, or a switch I haven't yet learned to turn off. But I can't listen to a piece of music and just enjoy it. You know, enjoying the moment of sitting and relaxing and letting the music just flush over you. Nope, those days are over. I've lost a bit of ignorant wonder when it comes to music, especially classical. My brain is constantly analyzing, interpreting, evaluating, and -inging everything it can all at one time. It would be automatic because, of course, it was how I was trained to listen. And it's frustrating since,as with any type of art, the more about technique and skill you know and recognize, the easier it is to notice when people don't have it. Further, because I didn't grow up with a musical background, I'm definitely not used this kind of constant analysis.

Still, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Maybe the enjoyment becomes replaced with other things that come with musical knowledge, like recognizing when the composer or conductor or choir or whatever does something awesome and you're like, "Yeah! Kickass!" Those little moments of awesome when you hear a chord sung really well or when you're in a church where the dynamics are supposed to be ppp and you open your mouth and they sound forte. I suppose that's a type of joy you can only experience with knowledge of the art.

I don't know what I'm rambling about. Scarily, it sounds like I hate... knowing things. What's worse, it's gaining deeper knowledge of something I really love. But that's not the case. I'm just shaken by the fact that I can't listen to music the way I used to anymore. As a musician, that's awesome. That means I'm learning and applying. But as a casual listener (which I guess I'm not anymore, like a solider/civilian), it sucks.I guess what I really want is a switch in my brain where I can shut down everything musical I've learned when I want to, and switch it on when I need it. There's times where that knowledge is definitely advantageous, and there's times where I just want to chop my head off but leave my ears.

And although anatomically and physically that isn't possible, we can all wish for something, right?

4:56am