Portrait

Let me paint you one.

A sweet, kind man who can take care of himself but doesn't tending or being tended to, either. A gentle soul who respects our differences and has enough of a sense of humor to take biting jokes in stride. A secure human being who acknowledges his faults and if he doesn't make an effort to improve them, than he's at least okay with them. A portrait of modern chivalry who understands that I may be a little crazy and come with my fair share of neuroses, but embraces them as something that makes me who I am. An amiable companion my girlfriends smile at and my guyfriends drink with, who doesn't mind that guys tend to be my closest confidants, although there are always exceptions. A thoughtful gentleman who has the right amount of romance and ruggedness, who gets jealous just enough that I feel like someone worth being protective of, a quality that I possess, myself. An thriving intellectual who is okay with his own complexity, who appreciates both the intricacies of elaborate things and the beauty in simple things. A kindred spirit who can make me laugh to create new memories and to forget bad ones, wipe my tears because they come too easily for my current comfort level, listen to jokes I fail at telling, and appreciate the silences I create because I don't always feel like talking when I'm around his company. Spontaneous and chill, he knows that this may not be forever, and that God blesses us with the company of others for a specific amount of time for reasons we won't know till later. And he, like me, is okay with this.

We'd hold hands not because we have to, but because it's never a bad idea. We'd be a couple, in public and in private, but it would be no one's business but ours. I'd be crazy about him, and he'd be crazy about me. He would say "I love you" in person because that's the way important relationship milestones should be conducted - face-to-face, not through technology that can never replicate the real experience of the physical present. We would develop our own romantic gestures because we'd understand what makes each other happy.

I would fall asleep on his lap, watching TV I was only half paying attention to because he'd be a comfortable resting place for a head too full with thoughts and worries and overanalyzations.

At almost 20 years old, I suppose this is a portrait of what my heart and head want in a "perfect man". I wrote this down as a reminder to myself, something I'll look back on for one dating-related reason or another. Not so much as a checklist or anything ridiculous like that (maybe somewhat after the fact, when a checklist is moot), but as a Polaroid of what I want at this point in my life. Will it change? Hopefully not, I kinda like this.

But I leave it to the fates.
Sed do illam fortunae

Hand

I like the way yours felt in mine.

21

Days till I leave. Things to do:

-Pick up dry cleaning
-Get pants hemmed
-"Dry run" of packing
-Sort out shoes
-Collect pictures
-Get VISA SHIT sorted out
-Zune situation
-Credit card bill
-Get pedicure
-Eyebrows shaped
-Get media sorted out on laptop
-Download shows I won't have in Europe :(
-Converters
-Travel book
-Knit more scarves
-Talk to the bank
-Transfer savings funds


eep.

Atmosphere

.Wherever I go, whatever I do, I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go, wherever you are, I watch your life play out in pictures from afar.

Boys

The problem with spending an overwhelming amount of time with my sorority sisters is that I've had to be reminded about how shitty they are. Half my girlfriends are going through boy troubles, and hearing their stories was like being hit with a bucket of ice water.

K. said something to me that I've been mulling over since yesterday. And it's sad how we've come to be so cynical of relationships because we're afraid of getting hurt.

K: "When you're in a relationship, it's always better to care less about it than the other person."
L: "...so that they have to adjust to your comfort level."
K: "Exactly. And the risk of you getting hurt is probably less."

Sigh. Sad but true.

Being hurt automatically builds up those callouses, so that trusting people completely is next to impossible without taking a huge step to get there.

And it's sad that there's so much comfort in being alone, that you never risk getting hurt.

I hope I'm not doomed to that fate. I already feel the callouses around me. I guess it'll just have to take the right man to wear them down.

Estrogen

God, I missed being around it.

Hanging out with my sisters today was probably one of the highlights of this short vacation.

It's fun talking about boys with girls. I've forgotten how much I've missed that. Squealing all over!!

I don't want this vacation to end, but I know it's back to reality.

Benefits

Despite all the worrying and bitching I've done this summer, I can't say that my current situation is without these.

As much as an air of officialdom would have been awesome, it's definitely unnecessary and frankly there would have been a lot of messed up shit all around by the end of the summer if it were something established.

I have all the good and fun without the baggage or the responsibility of the real thing.

Is that cheap? Maybe.

But the expiration date is nearing and I'm savoring the present.

Cheers.

Bad

I'd rather have this kind of news than being unsure all around

Regrets

I've reaffirmed my belief that I try and live without them, especially during this very confusing summer.

No matter what happens, I will be okay. And that's comforting.

History majors are blessed with being able to appreciate context and perspective.

All will be well. I know it.

Lists

Some I need to compile/add to/complete

-Men who are unfortunately gay (unfortunate for me)
-Awesome vocalists in medicore bands
-Vocalists better heard than seen

Excellent

I loved talking with M. today. And a discussion of life segued into this:

I won. I won the game I didn't even know I was playing. And even if I knew I was playing the game, trying too hard would have made me lose anyway. But I won. I feel terrible for the people who did play, because I'm sure they were very worthy opponents. I'm not even sure why I won.

I got the prize.

And it feels like this.



Just wanted to share my good mood today.

Mother

Mine has always had a fascination with biographies. She doesn't like fiction very much. She likes current events and biographies.

And frankly, that's how I've been lately. Not with books, per se. But I always read the news and I think that's why I love reading other peoples' blogs. Even random blogs.

I dunno. I enjoy the lives of other people. Maybe it's a bit voyeuristic. But they make it public anyway, so no harm no foul if I happen to read their business for a few minutes and move on.

A snapshot of someone's life. A polaroid.

Sometimes it creeps me out how much I know about other people and having them be completely unaware that a stranger (or even a friend) sympathizes with them. But whenever someone blogs about a bad day I feel bad with them, and I think that adds a bit more humanity into the world even if they don't know it. The fact that someone on the internet has affected my day is a testament to how humanity is finding different ways to connect and grow. So I've made my peace about it.

But sometimes I really need to get off the internet. I'm too good at it sometimes.

Negative

Okay, enough of this type of bullcrap that I apparently have been recording in the blogosphere for the past few weeks. Don't worry audience, I have not actually been feeling all this crappy. There's so much good happening, too!!

1) More blogs! Check it out: http://whispertoaroar.pbworks.com It's a wiki about my research project. I don't know how many hits I'll get at this website, but I really want people to get excited about doing research projects! God, I'm such a nerd but I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

2) I'm going to be IRVINE bound next week! AHHHH! I'm so excited! I get to see some people that I've truly missed and whom my heart aches for. If everything goes well, I won't remember much of next weekend. YEEE

3) I really feel positive about who my friends are. Friends are the people who are excited to see you when you've been separated for a long time. And I really do think I have that in Irvine.

4) NO SCHOOL. NO MORE BEDTIMES. EXCELLENTE!

5) I think a lot of reading and knitting will be done for this last month that I'm here.

6) It feels nice to feel attractive. Especially when you don't feel like you are.

7) My family has taken on a fascination with my guinea pig that I've never thought possible. They love him. Yay <3

8) I'm so glad I have unlimited text. One of the few times this summer where I thought to myself, "Wow. Perfect timing!"

Okay, its late so I'm getting to bed soon. Toodles!

Fears

I'm not sure how to deal with them right now. I was think about what you were so afraid of, what kept you so separated for so long.

I'm afraid I'm feeling that now, too.

Please comfort me.