Earlier this week I was chatting with one of my best friends on AIM while facing a male 'crisis' on another window. I was ridiculously nervous, typing JKGBARJG OMGOMGOMG, abusing the Billy Mays key while he returned the favor sharing in my excitement. I paused for a moment and said, "If you were a girl, right now we'd be squeeee-ing" He replied, "Manly grunt?" And I realized what was happening and said, ":( It's not the same." As much as I love my boys, there's nothing that can replace the estrogen-filled goodness that comes with screaming about trivial issues like boys and clothes and hair and such.
But the past year has taught me a lot guys in general and how awesome they can be, both as lovers and as friends. I am a woman of simple pleasures, generally turned off by the cattiness and complexity of female friendships (I went to an all-girls school. Even without personal experience, shit goes down fast). So that may account for why the people I consider the closest to me, the ones that have listened to me at my worst and cheered me on at my best, are a bunch of dudes. And long nights, relationship crises, and general bonding has taught me a lot about the male species. From personal experience and shared stories, rants, and ravings, here's a few things I've learned.
Men are simple creatures
Food. Beer. Love interests. Video Games. Sports. Music. It doesn't take much to make them happy. And when they're mad, they'll vent it and then get over it.
Men are wussies
When they care. The guy who is able to go up to a girl in a bar or party or classroom and just strike up a conversation with her is IN THE MINORITY. Most guys don't have the balls to do that, so that cute guy in your discussion that you really wish would talk to you is probably thinking the same thing too, but society dictates that he has to initiate. Talk about peer pressure! That sucks. Another reason I'm glad I'm a girl :) If you're a girl, more than likely there is a man out there who exists that has seen you in class or at the library and wished that he had the balls to say "Hi" to you. But they didn't, and are now kicking themselves for being a pussy.
Men are still wussies
The first hurdle is just talking to the girl. Asking her out on a date? Asking you to be their girlfriend? Sorry, but they probably won't do it if there is at least a HINT of possibility. Being rejected sucks, and guys have to face it more often than girls. Hooray society! Jesus, if I were a guy, my self-esteem would be shot by Junior year of high school.
Chances are when he does, he'd been rehearsing the whole thing in his head for the past week. He's analyzed everything that can go wrong. He's been psyching himself out for rejection, which at that point he's making the best-case scenario. There's the week-long nervous wreck phase, the "FUCK IT IMMA DO IT NOW" moment of conviction right as he walks up to you, and the odd sense of peace that comes with finally spitting the words out. And we girls? We're just sitting back watching this poor guy suffer and stutter his way through the words "You..me..movies..Friday?" So precious. This kamakazi process also applies to initiating contact with a girl, especially when he's been eying her in class for the past quarter.
Men think they're awesome
I learned about this in my last relationship, but after discussions with friends I've learned that this is what most guys think. They have this "Knight-in-shining armor" complex where if something is wrong, they think they have to fix it. Especially if it involves their girlfriend or significant other. And most of the times, they can't. Self esteem, school, parental problems, peer pressure. A guy watches his girl deal with these things, listens to her cry about it every night, and it drives him crazy that all he can do is sit there and just listen. His gut is wrenching, his knee is shaking up and down, hands are fiddling. He wants to fix it but he can't.
Guys like having set goals and finding ways to achieve them. Leaky faucet? Spider in he bathroom? It must be fixed. But when the problem presents no solution, it drives them crazy.
Men Don't Go Shopping
They go "buying". They need pants? They'll go out and buy pants at the first store they think of. They walk out the door with an item in mind and the will and conviction to achieve that goal. Girls will spend the time and effort shopping around for the best deals. This is why guys generally don't enjoy the shopping process. They enjoy YOU. So they'll walk around through every aisle, holding your bag and the things you may or may not try on eventually. Maybe they like having a say in your selection, but in general, if he follows you around in the store and you didn't let him loose inside "Brookstone" to wait for you, its not because he likes shopping. He likes shopping with you. Personally, I like shopping. So whatever. I'm glad I'm a girl.
Men Like Most Games
BUT NOT LOVE GAMES. Like #1, men are simple creatures. They hate your games. They really do. You think its cute to lead him on and act all like hot shit. Or be really uninterested hoping his affections would increase to win you over. NO. Bad ideas. Unless you are both "in" it, like just for fun, then that's cute and flirty and whatever. But if you're using "hard to get" as an actual strategy, I'm sorry. It's going to backfire. Rules 1,2,3 all go into this. If you play games and act all complicated for a man who is probably to scared to make any official moves, you're not going to get a favorable response. He will probably breathe a sigh of relief if you just tell him outright "hey i like you, we should go out sometime" but refuse to tell any of his buddies for fear of losing his "Man" card. Nevertheless, from the moment you think he's interested in you, he probably has been for a while. Don't toy him around, he won't appreciate that in the long run. It might be fun for you, but its torture for him.
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