paradigm shift

For the first time in my life, I have to look back at myself and say, "I couldn't do it."

Childish, huh? But for someone who tries their hardest to do everything, it's one of the most difficult things you'll ever utter. It's not admitting a simple inability to do something. It's more complicated than that. I wouldn't be ashamed telling people, "I don't know how to build a computer." But it's hard to admit that you couldn't take the leap of faith to go and plow through difficult times, and instead take the easy way out and opt out of the pain. And then again, it's more complicated than that. Although I am taking the easy way out, it seems to be more beneficial to me than going through the pain and the ordeal of the situation in the first place. But still, goodness is relative. What people might think is good might be the worst thing imaginable for me. I guess the question is, "Is the pain worth what I'm getting in the end, or is opting out of the pain worth saving the good that has not yet been tampered?"

I know it's going to haunt me. I know its going to hurt. I'll look back and look down on myself for giving up. And I'll always be afraid that everyone will share that opinion of me, especially when it's one I don't agree with. Many have done it, but I couldn't. I'll see them every day as a kind of a sick reminder of the standards I was not able to reach, for them and for myself.

It's always hard admitting a weakness of yourself, even though that weakness reflects a much larger strength you've come to realize in the process.

I can continue acting in a rebel defiance. I can hold a big middle finger up to the world and exclaim, "Screw you! Look at me now!" I can shut myself up in a hole and never speak of these hardships aloud. I can repress the anger and the frustration, too. Man faces so many choices when confronted with one, singular issue. It's what creates humanity, what separates us from the animals, who too have personalities and emotions and feelings. It's the fact that we are able to recognize our choices in a situation and reflect on the consequences of each decision. My Latin teacher has always said that forming conjunction clauses into sentences separates us from the monkeys. No. It's more than that. Humanity consists of being able to take a step back and fully reflect oneself and one's own existence.

But for now, I'll do both. I'll conjunct clauses and reflect my decisions.

I guess we can call that...growing up.

Really? Really? Come on...

Dear not-black afro-headed guy who's always one row in front of me in PolSci 31a,

Every day. EVERY DAY. I see you. I'm right behind you. You and your stupid anime desktop background. On Facebook. THE WHOLE ENTIRE CLASS. Why? Why bother coming to class? Are you a frackin' amoeba or something? Learning through osmosis?

You're so distracting. I lie, you're not on Facebook the whole time. Nope. Today, you spent a good hour looking at "fail" pictures. Really? REALLY? Can't you go on Reddit or 4chan on your own time? Ha, you think people don't notice what you're really doing. If you want anonymity and privacy in a classroom, sit in the back row where no one can watch you from behind. I notice. I notice everything. How you looked up "fail" under Google images. How you chuckle to yourself and command-click to save those pictures into you're "funny pictures" folder on your hard-drive. Pathetic! You keep a funny pictures folder? What are you, like 10? "HA-HA LOLCAT! I'm gonna save this one so that my offspring can LOL too!" Ugh. Maybe you make a whole collage of them and put them up on your wall, or maybe recycle them onto forum posts filled with the pictures that you've already saved (because I've seen you go backwards from the last page of a forum post filled with those damnn lolcat and fail pictures and brick-shitting pictures. why? WHY?)

When you chuckle to yourself, you're head of unwashed fluff just bounces up and down, irritating your scalp so that you have to scratch it every 15 minutes. Please take a shower before class. Thanks.

I wonder what grade you have in that class. I hope you're failing, because you definitely don't deserve whatever grade you're getting other than bad.

The only thing that would make you worse was if you're some genius kid who DOES in fact learn by osmosis. Please let me punch you in the face.

But for now, keep googling "fail" pictures and we'll see who aces the final. Tard.

Person who wants to scratch the hair off your head,
Liz

i need this weekend

the week from hell is over!!!!

after a bunch of things that have happened over the past few weeks... loves and hates... fights and reunions... i see myself in a cycle. and it'll just keep continuing unless i somehow learn how to stop it.