paradigm shift

For the first time in my life, I have to look back at myself and say, "I couldn't do it."

Childish, huh? But for someone who tries their hardest to do everything, it's one of the most difficult things you'll ever utter. It's not admitting a simple inability to do something. It's more complicated than that. I wouldn't be ashamed telling people, "I don't know how to build a computer." But it's hard to admit that you couldn't take the leap of faith to go and plow through difficult times, and instead take the easy way out and opt out of the pain. And then again, it's more complicated than that. Although I am taking the easy way out, it seems to be more beneficial to me than going through the pain and the ordeal of the situation in the first place. But still, goodness is relative. What people might think is good might be the worst thing imaginable for me. I guess the question is, "Is the pain worth what I'm getting in the end, or is opting out of the pain worth saving the good that has not yet been tampered?"

I know it's going to haunt me. I know its going to hurt. I'll look back and look down on myself for giving up. And I'll always be afraid that everyone will share that opinion of me, especially when it's one I don't agree with. Many have done it, but I couldn't. I'll see them every day as a kind of a sick reminder of the standards I was not able to reach, for them and for myself.

It's always hard admitting a weakness of yourself, even though that weakness reflects a much larger strength you've come to realize in the process.

I can continue acting in a rebel defiance. I can hold a big middle finger up to the world and exclaim, "Screw you! Look at me now!" I can shut myself up in a hole and never speak of these hardships aloud. I can repress the anger and the frustration, too. Man faces so many choices when confronted with one, singular issue. It's what creates humanity, what separates us from the animals, who too have personalities and emotions and feelings. It's the fact that we are able to recognize our choices in a situation and reflect on the consequences of each decision. My Latin teacher has always said that forming conjunction clauses into sentences separates us from the monkeys. No. It's more than that. Humanity consists of being able to take a step back and fully reflect oneself and one's own existence.

But for now, I'll do both. I'll conjunct clauses and reflect my decisions.

I guess we can call that...growing up.