Vulnerability

I think I'm beginning to understand what role it plays in relationships and how amazing and awful it can be, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic. It affects sometimes the entire dynamic of the relationship.

I have a lot of mixed, non sequitur ideas about this, so I'll try and organize it and record what's been going on in my head this morning.

On my way to school, I was listening to Taylor Swift's Hey Stephen and mentally complimenting her for her superb lyricism. And then I remembered that the first time I heard about her was like, 3 months ago and her stupid song Teardrops on My Guitar. And I called it stupid because that song makes me think of stupid girls crying their hearts out over stupid guys. (Not that all guys are stupid, just the "stupid" subcategory of the male population.) I mean, why waste your time and tears over someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way?

And then I remembered the episode of Scrubs I was watching yesterday. It was the one where an old woman dies a few months after her husband, simply because she just didn't have the will to live anymore. Elliot was all caught up that if JD died, she would want to have enough going on in her life that she just wouldn't die right after him. But the whole episode, she kept complaining about how much she missed JD and kept texting and wanting to call him all day. So Dr. Kelso had to point out that Elliot can't judge because she's basically in the same position.

Elliot was confused because she always prided herself in being a strong woman who can stand on her own and live a fulfilled life without dependence on a boyfriend. And she was faced with an odd dilemma - continue trying to be that Beyonce and close herself off from JD with those walls, or be the type of vulnerable, emotional human being that is necessary to fill a relationship with real love.

So all of this got me thinking about the scariness of vulnerability in a relationship. To completely open yourself to someone, to take that leap of faith that maybe things will work out in the end and you won't get crushed. I never really noticed it because I've only had two relationships, without dating anyone in between. But I can't imagine how people do it.... and they do it all the damn time! Set yourself up with a guy, hoping it will work out. And if it doesn't end well, what are you left with? A broken heart and mixed bag of memories.

No wonder people are afraid of opening up. Of commitment. Or even just friendships in general! I consider myself lucky that my experience with trust in romantic relationship has been very good thus far, but I can't imagine that everyone else is so lucky, considering all the songs on the radio about hearts scorned and love lost.
And how much of it is unlucky chemistry, compared to people being inherent assholes? I imagine the ratio is very unevenly biased towards the latter. God, no wonder people have trust issues. Who wants to set themselves up for disappointment?

I might be lucky in the romantic area, but not so much the platonic area. It's always been really hard for me to keep myself surrounded with a core group of friends, and it's only now that I'm starting to realize that maybe its because I hate the thought of being vulnerable around people, to see me weak and upset and about to break down. I hate the thought of burdening other people with my problems, but I'm slowly trying to make myself open up to people because, if I were someone's friend, I would want them to do the same for me. I've always lived by the philosophy of reciprocration, and I guess I should be taking my own advice in this area. I just have to trust that my friends want to hear about my problems and make me feel better as much as I would for them, too.

I know I'm just blabbering on about this, but today I realized that I had been living in a fantasy world for the past few years. Not that I'm saying I was problem free - every relationship has problems. But this idea of every guy I meet from now on is a potential for utter, complete, shitastic failure - that's new to me! What a load of crap. But I guess that's the real world, and I better put on some thick (or I guess thicker) skin because I probably won't be as lucky as I would hope to be.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm finding single life to be more complicated than I thought and after traversing through some previously unexplored territory, I don't have to wonder why people are unhappy. But then I know that it doesn't get any better when you're dating someone, or even when you're in a steady relationship.

It's just same problems, different variables.

So I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just going to eat my steak and ignore the fact I just spewed all that into the blogosphere.